Thursday, May 15, 2008

Was thinking of going to Bikram tonight but by that time, it was too late to eat anything substantial and I hadn't eaten since lunch... and I've tried both eating too close to class and not eating since lunch enough to know that both suck but in different ways. So I was at home with my thoughts. Self-destructive, negative thoughts. I left the ex a long rambling voice mail. I'm not proud of it. But I'm trying to sort through it - and by it, I mean the dark stuff that remains from our relationship.
In the time that I was with my ex, I kept lots of secrets. To this day, I still keep some secrets about what went on. And they aren't really my secrets - they are his secrets but I took them on. That is a huge weight, a huge amount of pressure to live with. I want to feel free again. I want to feel optimistic again. I want to be able to trust people again. I don't feel like I can tell those secrets to anyone but I need to figure out a way to cleanse my soul and release that tension and worry. I still worry about him. I worry that he will never be happy. I guess part of that is because I know that I will be happy at some point. I know that I'm evolving and that I learn from my mistakes and that I have incredibly high standards. There is still part of me that loves him and wants to protect him from himself. I can't do that. I need to start trying to get MY sense of self back. I deserve people in my life who care about me and won't make me keep their secrets.
I want to write all of the secrets down on paper and burn them. I need to rid myself of them. He's not going to take them back from me. He's not going to ever be able to be the person I want(ed) him to be.
I could be smart and funny and successful and good enough (oh wait - I am all those things) and it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't think that he deserves me. That's what it all comes down to. He had to sabotage our relationship because he doesn't think he deserves to be happy. I truly believe that he loved me. And it wasn't that he didn't love me enough - he loved me too much so that he didn't know what to do with himself. And he was afraid I would leave so he had to destroy everything before I would have the chance to leave.
And I do think I deserve to be happy. But there is also a part of me that thinks that being happy and being there for people requires a huge amount of hard work and effort. I'm not very comfortable with just being.
Being me is enough.
And I'm tempted to apologize for how long this post is and how much it rambles and how it's not really about yoga. But I'm not going to apologize for that - this is what I need to do tonight.
Now I'm going to go drink a beer.

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