Class 53 + Class 54 + nip it in the bud, bud

Did Class 53 first thing yesterday morning. The wonderful Jenn was teaching and the room was pleasantly hot and overall it was a pretty great class. Yay for that! I think I needed a little break from my regular studio so all 3 of my classes this weekend were done at the "other" studio. I had rad instructors for all three classes and I was feeling good so I was a very happy yogi! My teacher today was a new to me guy teacher. He started off class by saying that his new Speedo is really small and he hoped we wouldn't be too distracted by it! TOO FUNNY! He added in quite a few funny little comments. One of them was about falling into bad habits in the postures and he said that the thing to do is just nip it in the bud, bud. Ok, not a super hilarious joke, but almost anything is funny in the yoga room if you're used to taking class from SternYogi and friends. I want to take more classes from this guy even though the studio he usually teaches at doesn't have showers and it's hard to find parking nearby.
For those of you keeping track at home, today is day 59. That means we've only got one more day of yucky emotional yoga. I for one am looking forward to moving on to day 60-90. What happens then? Well, according to Mary Jarvis, "Day 60 -90, your body shape seems to suddenly change at an exponential rate, though you may not notice. These are the days when you start to hear all the “Wow, you look great! What are you doing?” comments. These 30 days are usually your best 30 days." AWESOME! Read more here... http://www.globalyoga.biz/100_Yoga_Days.html

Class 51 + Class 52 + maybe Mary Jarvis was right about the emotional thing...

Didn't practice on Wednesday due to margaritas with a friend. We had a great conversation and it was just what I needed. I'm thankful for the interesting people I've met over the past few years. I still consider the people I've met since moving back here after grad school my "new" friends even though some of them I've now known for almost 4 years. I guess margaritas were my yoga on Wednesday!
I did class 51 before work yesterday. It was sooo tough. I felt incredibly stiff and I attributed that to the fact that it was 6am. I just felt like i couldn't relax into the postures - everything was tough. I laid down on my mat at one point not because I was tired but because I was frustrated. I was started to think that this whole challenge is futile...
And then I went to class tonight at a different studio with one of my favorite teachers. IT WAS SO GOOD! I've never gone back that far in half moon backwards, I did everything including toe stand, I was able to get my butt down in fixed firm... IT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT BECAUSE IT WAS HOT! If I needed proof of the power of the heat, I have it now! I think the heat must be fucked up at my home studio. Looks like I'll be practicing elsewhere this weekend.
In other news, the past few weeks have been really emotional for me. I think I'm mostly just posted about my frustration here and the more negative stuff... but if I look back at the past month or so, I can see a real difference in my emotions. I went through a really hard time personally and professionally over the past few years and I was totally "that girl" for a while - the one who would cry all the time. I feel sorry for my friends because I was not much fun to hang out with for quite some time... then after that, for the past year or so, I just got kind of numb. I didn't cry all the time, but I wasn't feeling much. I feel like over the past few weeks, I've started feeling things more. I'm starting to make sense of things that have and haven't happened for me. I'm starting to love music again. I almost cried when I was listening to the Owl City album the other day and it's just a bunch of autotuned Postal Service-esque crap. I know that I've been saying for a while that I'm ready to make changes and move on and get out of my rut and have fun again... but it's gotta be real this time or else I'm going to have to really lower my expectations for life!
I know I'm babbling... this is the emotional stuff I was talking about! If today is class 52 and I'm 5 classes behind, then day 60 is coming up soon. I'm ready to move on from this emotional stuff and move on to whatever else Mary Jarvis says is coming up...

Class 50 + not quitting but not totally committed to another 50...

CLASS 50! Went to the class right after work which as per usual was crowded and kind of a clusterfuck. But who cares?!? IT'S CLASS 50!!!!
I'm going to take the day off tomorrow in order to meet up with one of my pals after work, but I will get back on my mat the next day. And the day after. I just can't commit to every day.
I'm not quitting but I'm not quite doing the challenge either. I guess that sort of is quitting but what I mean is that my goal is still a daily practice - I'm just not going to prioritize that over the rest of my life. So I'm thinking 5-6 classes a week is where I'll land. That would put me somewhere around 82-89 classes in the 101 days. No, it's not 101, but I feel like I could still hold my head up high with a number like that.
So that's the new plan. BIKRAM 89 FTW!

Class 49 + maybe it was the class I needed to have

Wanted to get up and go to 6am yoga this morning, but I didn't sleep well last night so it just wasn't happening. Ended up at the class right after work which tends to be a clusterfuck these days. It came through in that department tonight. There were 50+ people there. As I laid down on my mat a few minutes before the start of class, the room felt strange. Oh yeah, that would be because the room wasn't actually hot. When the door opened as people came into the room, the breeze felt cold and not in a good way. I'm not sure if the teacher didn't notice that it was cold or if the heater isn't working well, but either way, by the end of class it was humid but never got to the kind of heat us Bikram yogis know and love. I was talking about it with some regulars after class. One woman pointed to the top of my head and mentioned how my hair was still dry! My bendyness was severely hampered by the cold. Even in camel, I didn't feel warmed up. I sat out some postures, I daydreamed, I anticipated postures and thought about life outside the room - I did all of the things you're not supposed to do! But physically it was an "easy" class because I just wasn't pushing and stressing and sweating it out. It wasn't a fun class either, but maybe it was the class I needed today.

Class 48 + i am in a MOOD

Did class 48 tonight. Jenn was teaching. I heart Jenn. First half of the class was fine - Jenn made some jokes, I did everything except toe stand due to my jacked up knee - second set of tree instead, everything was a-ok. Then the floor just sucked ass. I basically lost all focus - Jenn had to talk me into a second set of camel. After class I went to the natural grocery store near the yoga studio. I hate that place. Every time I go there, I get annoyed by the other customers and the staff. Tonight was especially bad because I saw one of my ex's best friends. I was already in a bit of a mood from yoga and seeing her just pushed me over the edge into being in even more of a mood. I know that there are 12 people in Seattle and I know that I could have just as easily run into someone I know and like, but that did not help my mood.
I'm pretty much over this yoga challenge. I know that Mary Jarvis says that this is the mental part of days 30-60, but how do I know that it's just that?!? I'm starting to wonder if I should be getting back to my real life. I don't have a lot going on these days besides yoga and work... During the week, I'm busy enough, I'm tired enough to fall asleep at the end of the day, I don't really have to think about my lack of big picture career focus, my lack of a life partner, my lack of kids, pets, mortgage, etc. My work BFF gave me a talking to the other day. It was some stuff I didn't want to hear but probably needed to hear. Yes, a 101 day yoga challenge is a great thing to do but not if I'm hiding out in said yoga challenge and avoiding things like dating and having a social life. Not sure whether it's more brave to try to tough it out through the next 50-ish days of this challenge or whether it's more brave to walk away from the challenge and try to get some balance back in my real life...
Sorry to be all doom and gloom about Bikram101 in this post. I appreciate all of your comments here and all of the support I've gotten on Twitter from my fellow yogamaniacs! You guys and girls are awesome and I never would have gotten this far without you!!!

Class 47 + thank goddess for organic chocolate milk

Last night as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, my calves started cramping. It was painful like whoa. I went to the kitchen and due to the lack of coconut water, I grabbed some organic chocolate milk. It was quite yum and seemed to make the cramps go away. Fast forward to this morning... I slept in until 9:30 which is super late for me. I felt like crap when I woke up. I had little to no energy. I remembered sneezing at my desk at work yesterday. I started to wonder whether I'm getting sick, but I hauled my sorry ass out of bed anyway. Clearly it was too late to make it to 8am or 10am yoga and noon yoga was out due to a prior commitment so my only option was 5pm class...

And I would just like to state for the record that I f-ing hate Saturday 5pm yoga. It's depressing and tends to bring out the weirdos. The girl next to me kept making noises. At first I thought she sounded like she was going to throw up. Then it sounded like she was crying. Then it sounded like she was having an orgasm. She rounded out her performance by sounding like she was having an asthma attack. Awesome.

My own performance is class was nothing to brag about but I don't think it was super disruptive. I sat out some postures because I was oh so tired. Basically I was not a happy camper!

So yes, I continue to struggle with my practice. Or am I struggling with the mental aspects? I'm not sure. I will ponder that while I listen to the Cold War Kids, quilt, eat tortilla chips and drink chocolate milk.

Class 46 + maybe I'm ready to get back to the real world...

Class 46 was crazy intense. It was hot hot hot. First timers were hating life - the teacher let one of them leave the room. Someone else was freaking out and the teacher left the room to grab a vitamin water for her. My own practice was filled with highs and lows. The uber-heat made me feel more flexible than usual and I feel like I'm finally seeing some improvement in some postures - half moon backwards, balancing stick, final stretching.
From a physical perspective, I like practicing daily, but the routine of a daily practice is killing me. @ilovesweat likes to joke that his life is bikram laundry tanning. Substitute work for tanning (and add in a splash of junk food) and that's pretty much my life right now. Compared to a lot of the hardcore Bikramites doing this challenge, I'm a baby yogi. I generally see Bikram yoga as something that helps me with the rest of my life, but right now the rest of my life seems to be shrinking away and it's bumming me out.
I miss my friends. I miss tv. I miss my craft projects. I miss trying to play chords on my guitar.
I love the yoga but unless I can get myself to 6am yoga regularly during the week, I'm not really seeing how I'm going to make it to 101! Evening classes suck up too much of my time!
So I guess the plan is to practice in the morning, bribe myself with some new yoga clothes from Lululemon and buy a case of Zico.

Class #44 and Class #45 + trying to get focused...

I practiced last night after work. It was one of my least preferred teachers. She seemed totally spacey last night. It was crowded, lots of new people and lots of people left the room. After class, lots of people were complaining about the "bad energy" in the room. It was one of those classes that made me think that I need to stop practicing at the class right after work. It's so crowded that you have to push through people to find room to put your stuff down in the locker room, you wait in line for the bathroom, wait in line for water, try to strategize to get a spot in the room that doesn't suck... basically by the time class even starts, you've already done too much "work"!
Fast forward to 6am this morning... except for the part where there was frost on my car which I had to scrape - guess it is still February - there were no hassles at yoga. Yeah, I was tired and still and joked with the teacher that I had to keep telling myself to gambatte (Japanese for persverance/guts) but I didn't have to deal with any of the pre-class aggravation. Yes, I'm trying to sell the class to myself, too - getting up at 5:30am doesn't come so naturally to me!
As we get really really close to the halfway point of this challenge, I'm in awe of what we're doing... yet there is part of me that wonders whether I've learned enough from this. Is it time to do those other things I want to do or to tough this out for the next 52 days?
This might just be tiredness and hunger talking right now so don't take my talk of quitting too seriously :)

Class 43

Did not enjoy Class 43. Went to the late class. Didn't want to be there. Never really got into the groove of class, but when I woke up this morning, I felt really good. I guess that's one thing to keep in mind - even when class isn't great, you're still getting the benefits of the yoga.

Class 42 + if you're going to practice this yoga...

Ugh. Bad class today. I arrived at the studio super early because I drove to work instead of taking the bus due to free street parking near by office because of the "holiday." I say "holiday" because obviously I didn't have the day off! So after getting changed and putting my mat down, I had about 22 minutes to kill. UGH! Practiced near Jenn who as we all know is a kick ass yogi. I am inspired by her strength and focus. As I was fidgeting with my pigtails, shirt, etc., she was just looking into her own eyes. Jenn for the win! And yes, I would like to note that I have been called out by both Jenn and Robert, another teacher, for fixing my hair between postures. Need to work on that :)
Today's class was so bad that I was forced to remind myself of what my running trainer used to say. As long as there are good runs (or in this case, classes) in recent memory, there is no need to worry! Also the teacher I had today for class (who is one of my favorites) said that in order to do this yoga for months or years, we have to be ok with ourselves. (I'm paraphrasing here so no exact quotes.) Our body isn't going to be the same every class so in order to do the yoga, we have to accept what we can do this day, in this class. It was something I really needed to hear as I was struggling in class. I think it was a combination of my routine being off (arriving too early) and the fact that I was stiff from not practicing yesterday. Here's to hoping for a better class tomorrow!

Class __ - le sigh

Didn't practice yesterday. Can make excuses galore - it was some stupid holiday, I drank a beer at brunch with friends, my shoulder felt funny...
I just lost my focus for a day. My mind was all over the place.
Worst enemy? I am her.

Class 41 + getting acclimated

Did Class #41 this afternoon. It was more crowded than I thought it would be, but I managed to stake out a decent spot in the corner of the room. Had a lot on my mind and as per usual, my right knee started hating life in camel, so I chilled on my mat for a few minutes. Got some good thinking done in class. The room did seem pretty hot today - 3 or 4 people left the room during class. It's one of those unfortunate things where once 1 person leave, others tend to follow... but if no one leaves, then leaving doesn't seem like an option. However on days when I'm near the door, I'm ok with people leaving because it means breeze sweet breeze! I'm finding that even when the room is hot and other people around me are suffering, I'm doing better than I used to. I think that's what a daily practice will do for you. Even when class has felt tough, I feel like I get my energy back during the final breathing and I don't take a very long savasana at the end of class. I'VE GOT ENERGY! I think it's great to take a long final savasana when that feels like a good thing to do, but I don't believe in forcing myself to lie there when I'm feeling peppy! That's what happened tonight at class. Class wasn't easy, but I felt like hopping up and getting on with my day once the teacher left the room. I went in to the locker room and was surprised to see only a couple of people in there! I feel like my body (and mind to a certain degree) are definitely getting stronger :)

Apparently I can't count...

Ok, so I did class #39 this morning and class #40 after work even though the previous post says it was #40! I blame yoga brain :) The real class #40 rocked!!! It was the best class I've had in so long! Practiced at the studio up north with one of my favorite teachers. The air always seems fresher up there. It's a much newer studio than my normal one and they seem to keep it cleaner. But back to me - I rocked it! Did every posture except toe stand (2nd set of tree instead due to my right knee still being the tiniest bit tender) and felt so good! I had energy! It was great - I'm on a yoga high right now :)

I was next to a first timer at class tonight. My heart went out to her - she was suffering! She tried to get up and leave the room after rabbit, but the teacher talked her back to her mat. Have I posted about my first class here? I don't think so. My first class was a few days before Christmas, December 2007. I had recently broken up with the person I considered the love of my life. Or rather he had broken up with me. Anyway, I read in some dumb article on a blog or something that after a breakup, you should accept any invitation to anything. I sort of operate this way anyway, but right after my breakup, I said yes to everything. I went to figure drawing (!) with a friend from work and Bikram yoga (!!!!!) with one of my sorority sisters from college. I've never been back to figure drawing - I think I lack the maturity (and art skills) to draw nude models. But I got hooked on the Bikram yoga even though my first class was hellish. I thought it would never be over. The ~25 minutes of "warm up" nearly killed me. There was no clock and I had no idea how much time had passed. I didn't understand how other people were still standing up and doing postures because I was flat on my mat. I thought water would save me but as we all know now, drinking water doesn't help that much! Basically the class was hard and stressful and more challenging than almost anything I had done in my life... but I felt so amazing after class. I wanted more. I wanted to figure out how to do this yoga and how to make it through this class! I didn't start practicing regularly right away because I was training for a half marathon. In April 2008, after the race, I started practicing more regularly and the rest is history :)

Class #40 + "it's a practice, not a demonstration"

Did Class 40 at 6am this morning before work. There were quite a few things I liked about practicing that early - the locker room isn't crowded, no line for the bathroom or to fill up my water bottle, plenty of space in the yoga room. But there were also some down sides - it's hard to get out of bed at 5:20am, I felt so stiff and not bendy. But I'm glad I went because I need to catch up - hate being 4 days behind. So the plan is still to hit another class after work.

Yesterday SternYogi was teaching and she said something that really resonated with me. She said not to worry so much about what our postures look like because "it's a practice, not a demonstration." Definitely a good thing to remember especially for those of us who want to have amazing postures, but don't.

Class 37 + 38 + best blog post ever + mental toughness

First of all, I feel like it is my duty to point you in the direction of a post on the Bikram 101 blog. It's called "All I Really Need to Know" and it talks about how you learn everything you really need to know for life in Bikram yoga. It's a wonderfully written post. I printed it out and taped it to my cube wall at work. My favorite part isPretend you're a camel, an airplane, a cobra & a flower." Such a fantastic post!

Last night was Class 37 and tonight was Class 38. Tonight didn't feel that hot to me - I didn't feel bendy at all. Not sure if the temperature actually had anything to do with it or if I was just stiff. Class last night was quite hellish. It was HOTT and my mind was all over the place. Then my foot started cramping in Cobra pose. Later after I got home, my calf was cramping. If I was able to take days off, this would be no biggie, but since I'm practicing every day, I want to take care of myself as much as possible. I had coconut water, Emergen-c and a banana today and was fine at class tonight. Speaking of the benefits of this challenge, realizing that I need to take better care of myself and just get my shit together has probably been the biggest one for me. The last two or so years have been the hardest years of my life by far. I've let certain things slide because of that and now I just want to get my life in order. It's time to lose some weight, start eating healthier, return my library books on time, write thank you cards to people who gave me birthday gifts, IT'S JUST TIME. Time to pay off my student loans, aggressively contribute to my 401k. No one's coming to save me. If I can dedicate myself to this yoga, I can dedicate myself to all of this other life messiness and get it under control. Time to stop treading water.

I'm still 4 classes behind, but I'm planning to do a 6am class tomorrow before work and a class after work as well. The "other" studio (the one I don't normally practice at) has a pay what you can class on Friday evenings so I can practice there (yay for a different yoga room and a rad teacher!) without paying $17 for a drop in class. So it seems like the right day to do a double even though doubles still scare me a little! I'm drinking water and a chocolate milk right now and I'm going to try to get to bed in a few minutes so I'll be ready to be on my mat again in less than 8 hours.

Magic

Meant to post about this before but I forgot...

The other day in class, my teacher talked about how she used to have magical powers. She had a baby a few months back and she said that when she was pregnant, NO ONE left the room. Everyone saw her handling the heat just fine and it made them think that they could do it, too. She said that now she has lost her magical powers since she's not pregnant anymore. Now people get freaked out by the heat and leave the room. I think this is a great example of the power of the mind. Going to go into class tonight with a better attitude and a (metaphorical) can of mental toughness... :)

Class 35 & 36 + Mary Jarvis wasn't kidding!

Did class 35 last night before knitting. I wasn't happy to be there. I wanted to be at knitting - I wanted my normal Monday night routine back! I just figured out that Monday night knitting has been in my life for almost 4 years. Even when I was working out with my running trainer, Mondays were an automatic day off because my trainer knew that I had knitting. Bikram101 doesn't believe in taking Mondays off for knitting. Definitely struggled with some mental stuff, but it was a nice hot class (vs. a terrible hot class which happens sometimes!) and one of my favorites was teaching so there were a few positive parts as well.

Tonight was another story. Class 36 felt like torture. It was mental torture though, not physical. My knee is still bugging me but just a little bit. It was my mind that would not cooperate tonight. I fidgeted, I laid down on my mat, I fidgeted while on my mat, I wanted to close my eyes... basically I just couldn't surrender to the yoga - I couldn't accept that I was going to be stuck in the room for 90 minutes. Famous yogi Mary Jarvis says that the second 30 days is for dealing with the mental stuff and I'm right in the thick of that apparently! Should be a fun couple of weeks :)

Class 34 - OFFICIALLY 1/3 TO 101!!!

It was a good sweaty class with one of my favorite teachers today. My knee felt much better. I did both sets of standing bow and 1 set of triangle. This is a significant improvement over the past few days so that's a relief. And my floor bow felt great. Yay for class - not much to complain about today :)

Class 33 + almost 1/3...

Since I'm 4 days behind on this challenge, I haven't reached the 1/3 mark yet even though lots of my Bikram101 pals have. According to my calculations, when I'm about 60 minutes into class today, I will be 1/3 of the way to 101. YAY! But at the same time, there is a long way to go. Going to try to get a double in at some point during the week or next weekend if my knee improves.

Class 33 yesterday had kind of a crazy vibe. It was quite hot in the room and more crowded than I thought it would be. There were tons of noobs and a TON of people left the room. I have NEVER seen that many people leave the room ever. I felt bad for the instructor because she is one of the newer, younger teachers (but I think she is fantastic) and one of the owners of the studio happened to be practicing yesterday. Basically there were lots of people hating life yesterday, but except for my right knee still feeling tender, I was surviving fine. The instructor adjusted my shoulder position on spine twist and now I feel like I have a much better idea of what that pose is supposed to feel like.

Class 32... so how many is that to go?

I made the questionable decision to show my work BFF one of my blog posts from a while back. He made a comment today about how racy my blog is. I think he's totally wrong, but in case you're reading this G. - here's more of me attempting to spice up my yoga blog...

32 CLASSES DOWN, 69 TO GO!!!

Other than that, nothing much to report. Class 32 was fine except my right knee was hurting in standing bow and triangle. I took a break on my mat during those postures. My running trainer used to say that injuries are the body's way of telling us we need a rest... but it's still a bit of a blow to the ego to skip those poses. Oh well - it's just yoga.

In other news, I got a sweet new mobile phone after work. Now I just need to find the relevant yoga related apps...

Class 31 + When i get sad i stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story

I could complain about #31. The schedule was wrong so the instructor ended up being SternYogi who I don't particularly care for. Yes, I'm still bitter about the time last year when her oh so helpful feedback in Standing Head to Knee was "A. - that grip is not going to cut it." Uh, thanks. I'm not kicking out so I don't think it matters all that much and maybe telling me what to do (rather that just saying I'm wrong) would be a better way to go. Gah. So yes, I have issues with this particular instructor and try to avoid her. It was 8pm class and after a long day at work, I don't do that well starting something at 8pm unless it's a bottle of wine. But there was one funny part in class. I was pretty tuned out during the floor series. My knee had started hurting during Awkward Pose and I was worried about it all through the standing series. By the time we hit the floor, I felt pretty drained. So imagine my surprise when after spine twist I hear her say something that sounds like, "And that's the end of the awesomeness." WTF? Did Barney Stinson from "How I Met Your Mother" just take over SternYogi's body? She went on to say that we do 26 asanas and end class with a breathing exercise. Oh wait - the way she says asanas is just sort of weird and mumbly and sounds like awesomeness. \
Ah well, it would have been really odd to hear Barney Stinson-isms at yoga. Odd but legen... wait for it... dary. LEGENDARY!

Class 30 + some lovely self-sabotage

I was reading on Seth Godin's blog yesterday about the lizard brain and I got to experience it today at yoga. All day today I was kind of thinking that I didn't want to go to yoga. I had to go to a meeting out in the suburbs so my routine was off. Instead of being a good yogi and hydrating after work, I had something to eat. A big something to eat. Ergo my stomach felt like crap for a good chunk of yoga. I was tempted to skip class because I had eaten but clearly that is sabotage because part of me doesn't want to skip class because I'm already down four on Bikram 101.
Not sure what my ultimate point is here, but just wanted to acknowledge the fact that I am my own worst enemy. Need to start being my own best friend methinks.

No yoga room for me today - trying to bring the yoga everywhere...

Stayed up late last night emailing with an old friend so no 6am yoga this morning and no 6pm yoga because I had plans to meet friends for drinks after work. I'm trying to take the lessons of my yoga practice and apply them to life. So when I had a bit of verbal diarrhea and blabbed and blabbed (and blabbed) over my second beer (and a BLT), I tried to just see it as a bit of toxic stuff I needed to get out of my system! And I told my friends about a (non-yoga related) project I'm afraid to start. It's like toe stand - can't be afraid, just need to bend forward.
Yeah, I'm totally becoming one of those obnoxious people who tries to related yoga to everything :)

Class 29 + bus clusterfuck

Did class 29 this evening. Yes, that makes me 3 classes behind - soon to be 4 because I'm meeting up with my girl friends for happy hour tomorrow after work and there is no chance I'm practicing at 6am tomorrow morning. I feel like I'm trying to hang on to my motivation but it's slipping a bit. That being said, I've thought about when I will practice for the rest of the week and plan to squeeze a double in on the weekend. So I guess I'm still sort of on track.

I meant to practice at 6pm tonight, but due to a bus clusterfuck, I couldn't get to class in time. I usually practice then go to my knitting group on Monday nights, but tonight I went to knitting first, then yoga. I'm glad I did! Jenn told me that there were 64 people at the 6pm class! ick. 8pm was much more civilized!

I've been feeling kind of feisty lately and not necessarily in a good way. I'm going to try to work on just feeling what I'm feeling but not attaching - like what is recommended in camel. I'm kind of embarrassed by how I've reacted to a few things lately, but I guess if I can see what's happening, then that's the first step towards dealing with life differently in the future. Also for me, staying well hydrated, well rested and well fed tends to improve my mood A LOT so I think I need to put a little more effort into really taking care of myself. It's not like anyone else is doing it - I need to set boundaries and make sure that I'm happy and healthy.

Ok enough deep thoughts - time for bed!